Sunday 28 September 2014

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

Sept 26, 2014

Chemo is done. The last few days as my body is recovering from my last dose, that's what I keep reminding myself. Chemo is done.

Thursday after taking Daisy for a 30 minute walk I set up shop on my couch. First time I've done that since treatment began. It was my first day off pre-chemo drugs so my emotions were a bit all over the map. And for once I was gentle on myself. Along with setting up on the couch, I ordered in food! For lunch. And then ate it on the couch while I watched a movie. It was kinda nice actually...

I was doing well, and then the admittance nurse from Rockyview Hospital called to go over the pre-surgery stuff.

Me: "So there's a date booked for my sugery?"
Nurse: "Oh yes, it's booked for Oct 23".
Me: "Oh".

She went through all the info I needed as to where to go, what time and what number to call to get my surgery time (I'll only find out the afternoon before...) and went over my whole medical history. I answered all her questions and hung up the phone. 

I sat thinking "This is really happening. It's booked. The countdown has started."

Then I cried.

I cried for the last 6 months of battle.

I cried for the breasts I never completely loved but always thought I'd have.

I cried for the decisions I've had to make that may be right, but also have been so damn hard, and sometimes feel so unfair.

I cried tears of relief that the most gruelling part is behind me, but knowing the biggest emotional battle has just begun.

It felt good to let it all out. Afterwards I texted some of my friends the surgery date. I may have cried a little more.

And then I got up and went to pick up the kids. It was a strange kind of day.

One chapter of my journey closed, and another has begun.


Wednesday 24 September 2014

"..Nobody's gonna see me coming, Nobody's gonna hear a sound, No matter how hard they tryin', No stoppin me since I found...My Inner Ninja.."- Inner Ninja by Classified

Sept 23, 2014

I woke up at 5:30 AM and got outta bed and showered. 

It's my last chemo day.

I collected all I needed for chemo and made sure Emmy was all set for school.

Its my last chemo day.







Helped the kids get dressed and fed and off we all went to drop Em at the bus stop. We even let Ethan wear his spider man costume lol

It's my last chemo day.
As we waited for the bus, a huge rainbow showed up directly in front of us. My guardian Angel I suspect. He was celebrating before we were even completely awake ha. Phil got a picture.

It's my last chemo day.



Me and Phil goofed around taking some pics with my new pink canser kickin gloves...I think I need to work on my form...but who cares....cause

It's my last chemo day.

Got picked up by Kelly for yoga and had a great class. All restorative poses, so I was uber relaxed for my chemo. Perfect. Got a few cheers at the class when they heard it was my last chemo day. Kelly too for her last chemo last Friday!

It's my last chemo day.

Phil picked me up at Wellspring after Yoga and we hit Tim Horton's. While we were eating our lunch in the parking lot "Inner Ninja" came on the radio. We were parked down the road from Tom Baker. It was half an hour till my chemo. It made us both smile.

It's my last chemo day.







We went into Tom Baker and Maureen met up with us at the chemo check in desk and walked with us into the chemo waiting room. We chatted and got called in a few minutes later. We got the nurses mini Crave cupcakes, including a dozen gluten free, which there were some gluten free nurses, so that made us extra happy. They loved them. I told them it was my last chemo day and they were so happy for me. 




They asked if I would ring the bell (to signify your last one). I told them not there incase there was anyone who would never get the chance to ring it (those who are on chemo for life). You can bet we will ring the S%$t outta one at my home End Of Chemo party I plan on throwing in a few weeks. (details to come...)

It's my last chemo day.
They hooked me up and the first 15 minute "slower drip" (to make sure I didn't react) was done without incident. The nurse from my very first round of chemo - Stephanie - came to our chemo room (there are 3 rooms) and came over to say hi! and congratulate us! It was awesome seeing her - and a great way to finish what we started.

It's my last chemo day.





We took pics in our chive shirts (gonna send it to Chive ap!) and my pink boxing gloves. And then just like that, my last chemo was DONE!!!

It's my last chemo day.

And I sincerely hope that its my last chemo day ever.

I'm 1/3 of the way through treatment.

Feels good.

I did it!!!!









Inner Ninja - by Classified. YouTube Official video



Benadryl making me a bit dopey and prone to gazing off lol

Emmy sent her unicorn and stuffed dog for re-enforcements...

8th and FINAL ROUND DONE!!!!

PS Fundraiser blog post to be written once I have the pics back!! (it was awesome by the way!!!)





Friday 19 September 2014

Best News Yet !!!

Sept 19, 2014

Man, what a difference even 24hrs can make. Each chemo kinda feels like I hit rock bottom - except the bottom keeps getting lower with each round. But I usually bounce back just as quick as I sink. By Monday of this week after going to U of C Thrive Lab for my physical assessment for the BEAUTY program I felt like my mind frame had done a complete 180. I'm sure it was a combo of all the messages of support I got after my last post and the exercise and feeling like I was getting back in control of fighting. 

The BEAUTY program is for women with breast canser or who have had breast canser. They do 2 assessments then give you a personalised fitness program that you can do at home or at their gym! In 12 weeks they do another assessment and give you a maintenance program for another 12 weeks! All at no cost! Amazing...Kelly and I both went and hope to carpool since we are way in the south of the city and it's in the north. I'm very excited. Although mine will get interrupted by surgery (boo!) but she said they will work around that. My yoga at Wellspring started this week too. I didn't realise how much I've missed yoga. Kelly and I are also taking that together. Wellspring is in the north so we'll carpool to yoga too. I'm doubly excited - for the programs but also for Kelly and I to see each other more. Win win! 

My Quigong class was amazing!Between that and yoga my mental and emotional wellness will be in good hands. And I saw my counsellor again finally. The physical battle for chemo is tough and all my food habits helps (I think) as well as the exercise. Now for surgery, which will be the most emotional part of this journey for me, I am arming myself with as much emotional support as I can (while continuing with diet and exercise) With the end of chemo being rough and all the emotion surgery brings (now that it's in the near future) it's perfect that I've set up a good support for the rough days ahead. Getting out of the house 3-4 days a week consistently will help too.


So with all this set up, I met with my Kinda Handsome Surgeon this week as well. It's always great to see him. He's just got such a fabulous bedside manner so nothing he ever says seems scary. I have always felt safe and like I am in good hands (literally!!)



I was grinning right when he walked in and asked "how are things?". He pulled out my chart and I asked him if he had my last ultrasound and could he see what it said about my lymph nodes (since I forgot to ask after being so happy about the 8mm lump info!) It was the best news I could get: lymph nodes look normal. 

IE NO SIGNS OF CANSER IN LYMPH NODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, it's just ultrasound, it's not pathology, so there could be microscopic cells - they will check during surgery. But it's awesome news!!!

It was followed by more good news. Because the ultrasound doesn't show any canser there, when I am in for surgery he will now be able to do a sentinel node biopsy. Those are the "outer" lymph nodes - ie not buried as deep as my auxiliary ones which were the 2 which showed canser in them originally. The Sentinal nodes are the drainage system - ie the nodes buried deep behind drain into them. He will remove and send some of those lymph nodes to the lab during surgery and if they come back with no canser detected (after biopsy) he won't have to take the 15-30 lymph nodes he was originally planning on taking out. That means a less invasive lymph node surgery (ie just the ones he sends to get biopsied which would be 3-5!) This will all happen during surgery, so I won't know which way it went till I wake up. But that was a pleasant surprise cause he has not mentioned that before now! I'm really good with less invasive! Phil asked if that would change my radiation (ie would I still need it in lymph node area). My surgeon said no, they do the radiation based on original findings of where the canser was, cause there is benefit to it. 

My surgery will take place at the Rockyview Hospital and if all goes well I will stay 1 night in hospital. Then I can go home. He said I will feel less worse than I imagine when I wake up (physically). They will encourage me to walk right pretty much right away. 

The day before surgery I will get a needle with radioactive liquid that will map out the Sentinal nodes for the biopsy. The day of surgery I will get admitted, talk to the surgeon and anaesthesiologist. I will get another needle with blue dye injected to be a "double check" for the sentinal nodes (surgeon will look for "hot & blue" nodes) The actual surgery will take about 2 hours but I'll be gone from my room for about 4 hours (1 hour for prep and going to sleep, 1 hour-ish in recovery). I will have 1 drainage tube sticking out of me on each side (where my breasts were) and possibly a 3rd if he ends up having to do the more invasive lymph node removal. They get removed in a week to ten days after surgery - I'll have to go back to the Breast Health Clinic to get them removed ( I didn't ask how they do this - not ready for that yet) I need to start doing arm exercises pretty much right away. There wasn't much dietary restrictions - only  a few things the week leading up to it (advil, aspirin etc) Surgery will be at least 4 weeks after my last chemo (which is Sept 23) so the end of October sometime. I should hear from my surgeons assistant any day with a surgery date. She will also give me more details about any prep work & admittance info required prior to surgery.  

I can start doing 'moderate' exercise as early as 2 weeks post op, depending on how I feel. I was asking about this so I would have an idea when it might be possible to continue on with yoga and Qigong. I can also go for walks when I come home for hospital-as long as I feel up to it.  I can shower 24hrs after surgery. I'll need someone around the first 24 hrs for sure to help me. So overall,  not horrible. I was mostly asking questions. Once he had answered them all, he said I should fill out some paperwork with my nurse Edith so they could get rolling on booking a surgery date. 

Edith has been amazing.  She was the one after my very first visit with the surgeon, a week after I was diagnosed who applauded my positive attitude and told me "I can tell you'll do well". She always has a hug for me and remembers things I've said or done. I really, really like her.

So I was comfortable sitting with her and my mom and Phil going over some surgery info. For the needle Dr Austen mentioned I need to get EMLA cream. That will numb the point of entry of the needle.. Which will be in my right breast, near the nipple. I was not thrilled with this news. Ug. I kinda thought the biopsy needle before diagnosis would be the last time I had to have needles in my breasts...at least while I was awake...

As she showed me where the cream should go and how to apply, she then moved on to the day of surgery and where to go to admitting and all that.  I felt the reality of it all start to sink in. I was listening but it started to get hard to concentrate on what she was saying. She's telling me stuff, and I'm nodding, but I feel a lump in my throat. Then tears in my eyes. But I'm able to keep myself in check. Then she asks what bra size I am for the prosthesis they give so I have something for after surgery (once I'm healed.) She goes into this tall bank of drawers and pulls out 2 skin toned, boob sized pillows and puts them in my hands - one in each hand. I look at them, kinda in a detached way and am thinking "This is what my breasts will be reduced to. They don't look like breasts. I'll essentially be stuffing my bra". I put them in my bag, turned to look at her as she was about to go over a consent form, put my face in my hands, and cried. 

I really wish these moments wouldn't catch me so off guard. 

I got myself together, apologised and we continued on. That is how it works. Gotta keep moving forward. A bilateral mastectomy (double mastectomy) is the best decision for me. That is what will ultimately get me through this. But it doesn't mean its easy. And now it feels real. I'm nervous for the actual surgery (its surgery!!) And I have no idea how I'll feel when I wake up emotionally. I just hope I still feel whole. 

But for right now, I'm celebrating my ultrasound lymph node victory and concentrating on my last chemo coming up on Tuesday. I'll let the surgery info sink in and think about it after I get by my chemo hurdle. 

And get ready to celebrate with my family and friends (who have gotten me this far) on Saturday at the Fundraiser (tickets still available!) I need this party, and we have alot to celebrate! What a perfect way to spend the weekend before my last chemo. 

It's gonna be a great night!


Sunday 14 September 2014

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow". -Mary Anne Radmacher

Sept 14, 2014

I was sorta thinking the whole "highway incident" would be the worst and only bad part about chemo this week. I mean really, isn't that enough?? Apparently not...

I was still feeling the chemo effects all week long. Thursday I woke up with the cold both kids have had the last week or two. My head felt like it was gonna explode from sinus pain (plus "The Headache") and my throat felt like I had razor blades in it. I was also stuffed up. The kids were home with me that day and I was thankful Emmy had school in the morning. I found the energy to get her to the bus stop just as the bus pulled up. That was the day after we got a huge dump of snow so it was pretty chilly. 

When we got home I convinced Ethan to watch a movie with me on the couch and I fought to stay awake. We were supposed to have a play date with my friend Rita and her little guy but I didn't want to get them sick and I also had zero energy. Ethan was dying to get outside in the backyard and play in the snow (welcome to Alberta) so I finally let him go out there. Alone. And then I cried. Alot. My mom called just as I was beginning to get upset and I was telling her Ethan was outside by himself and the tears started. My poor parents were at the dentist and came over right from there. I was a bit of a mess - physically and emotionally. I think my mom was worried about me. I finally took an Advil cold and flu and within an hour I felt like a different person. In a good way! My mom still came with me to get Emmy from the bus while my Dad stayed with Ethan. 

My parents left as I fed the kids with my mom promising to come back in a while to hang out with me.

Now here's the thing. I'm almost 5 months in, treatment wise. Almost 6 months since this whole nightmare began. I've talked all along how grateful we've been for all the support from everyone. Till now I've had the odd bad day. Chemo weeks are touch and go. I know that. Overall we've been chugging along doing fairly well.

But as chemo has gone along, it's gotten harder. Just everything. The physical issues. Also emotionally. I've joked (and cursed) "chemo brain" or the brain fog you can get while on chemo. It's gotten much, much worse. I lost the same thing like 12 times in the same day. Sometimes more. At first it seemed funny but now it's left me in tears numerous times cause I'm so frustrated with myself. 

Along with chemo brain you can also have trouble making decisions. No, I don't mean cause it effects your decision making per sae - but you can feel overwhelmed very easily. Unfortunately this is very true for me. Sometimes as little as 2 or 3 decisions can have me shut down and unable to deal with any of them. I find this part very hard to cope with. 

When you combine the brain fog, along with the more severe physical side effects that last longer with each round, it makes this stages of the journey very difficult. Add to that that we have a kind of unknown coming up with surgery - I've never had surgery where I've been given a general anaesthetic. And I"m going to lose both breasts. 

(Jeeze, I've kinda got alot going on in my brain..no wonder its foggy!)

So I think now I need support more than ever. But here's the thing - given it's been 5 months, I feel like people are kinda "done with the needy canser thing". So I'm finding it very hard to ask for help. I think in some ways I've pulled back and away from people cause I feel like I'm this endless burden. People have given so much and been unbelievable. 

How can I ask for more? 

So I've kinda been suffering in silence, but been much more prone to tears cause I'm just hurting so much. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm fed up with chemo. 

I'm so so happy there's only 1 left, but if it's worse than this one, I don't know if I can bear it. And I hate that I'm not feeling as much like the warrior I've become, and that I'm not handling this with the grace I wish I could. 

Guess chemo is taking it's toll and I hate it. I think I'm at a point again where I need to keep moving forward, but I need friends to lean on. To help carry my broken body and battered spirit a little ways till I can find the strength to carry on on my own two feet again. 

And I guess I'm terrified no one will answer the call, not cause I don't have amazing people in my life, but because they are tapped out from all the giving they have already done. 

How can I ask for more?

All these feelings I've kept bottled up the last few weeks have left me feeling so alone. I don't know if you remember from when I started my blog, but alone for me is the absolute worst feeling. I get my strength from the people in my life. Feeling alone is my kryptonite. 

Sadly how I've been feeling emotionally is not the other bad thing that happened this week that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. But I'm filling you in on how I've been feeling cause it was with this mindset that I faced my first fever and bloody nose while on chemo. (ya, its' really not been a good week!!)

So as Thurs went on, I just felt worse and worse. Phil finished work early and came home so I was able to go lay down once he arrived. I am not a napper - never have been so that was not really a good sign. I felt cold. I got under my duvet fully clothed - and dozed. I ate a bit of supper and while at the table started to get the chills. Not good. I could feel a bubble of fear growing inside. I took my temp. 37.5. Hmm... Fever is 38 and I'm usually 36.9ish. 30 min later I took my temp again. 37.9. Fear grew more. If you get a fever while on chemo, there is a very likely chance you will win a trip to the hospital. From day 1 my docs and nurses have scared me silly about the seriousness of fevers. I started texting Kelly. 

I resorted to trying to pretend I didn't have chills. ha. Oh the things we do when we're scared. So I'm sitting on the couch with Em and Ethan and all I can think is "will they wake up in the AM and I'll be in the hospital?". And I immediately got a huge lump in my throat. Then I text my mom asking if she can come make me some soup. I was feeling so rotten (Advil had worn off and you can't take anything if you think you may have fever incase you go to hospital - they need to make sure its not infection causing fever) that I couldn't even fathom making soup. I texted my mom cause of my feeling of being a burden to Phil. I felt Phil had enough to deal with since he had kids to put to bed etc. And then I agonised about texting her cause she also has been so giving and around when I need her that I felt like I was the most selfish person on earth and being a total drama queen if I couldn't make my own damn soup. Phil didn't know I had texted her then was confused as to why when I told him. "I can just make the soup" he said.

And next thing I'm texting him (he's downstairs) apologising, my temp hits 38.1, my kids are sitting beside me and I'm slowing dissolving into tears - hiccups, runny nose, red eyes and all! Real beauty! My mom at this point is coming no matter what (I tried to convince her I was fine but she knew better - and I'm thankful she came).

My nurse told me day 1 at my first appointment if my temp ever hit 38.5 to call chemo line and that likely I'd end up going to hospital. 

So I started drinking water like crazy to try to get my temp down. I think I drank 3 pints within an hour! I took my temp after the kids went to bed and it was 37.5! I didn't want to get too excited but I continued drinking that water and put another layer on so I was not cold but not too warm either. And we waited. I took again half hour later - 37.2!! The relief was immense. When my mom left is was 36.9. I slept like a log that night - probably a combo of the stress relief, all the crying and not feeling good. 

I woke up next morning with a sore nose, esp one nostril. Like when it's too dry. I got up so happy that I hadn't had to go to hospital the night before and when I blew my nose, saw some blood. I think the remaining blood in my veins ran cold. The blood kept coming. Fear was immediately back. I've never had a nosebleed. Like in my life. Kimmy used to get nosebleeds when we were young so it's not like I wasn't familiar with them. But any bleeding while on chemo is scary. Esp on the heels of having a fever the night before. At one point there was like a 6 inch pure blood clot thingy that came out - sorry totally not trying to be gross - but I could feel the terror course through me at the sight. The funny part (in hindsight) is that my immediate first though was "could that be brain tissue??". It wasn't funny at the time, but I do chuckle when I think of it since...apparently my spazzy nature is still there somewhere lol. 

Anyways, I didn't know if any of this was considered normal, or "acceptable" while on chemo. I finally got the blood to stop probably 15 minutes later. 

I called the chemo line once it was 'open' and the nurse called me back an hour later. Basically she figures I'm just fighting a virus. The fever she said is mainly an issue if I were to get 3 consecutive readings of 38.4 or higher 3 hours in a row (taking my temp once every hour). Good to know.

As for the bloody nose she said if it bleeds for an hour without stopping to go to hospital..I can tell you had that happened we would have been at hospital before an hour and they would have been dealing with very freaked out lil bald lady!!  But good to know your nose can bleed for an hour and they are not concerned...I guess!

Kelly told me she had a bloody nose too once (while on chemo) Another friend I've met through my blog, Judit, who is also on a canser journey, told me she's had one before as well while on chemo. So it happens...which made me feel WAY better.

Thankfully there have been no more bloody noses and no other fevers or chills. Which is probably really good cause I don't know how much more "teary Cindy" my mom or Phil could take. 

My mom took me to the mall later that Friday and I think getting out of the house helped cause I felt more like myself by that night. I told my mom and Phil too how I'd been feeling so that helped too. By Saturday I finally felt "the turn" where I'm finally (mostly) back to myself. Chemo week though lasted a week and a half. Yuck.

But next week I start my yoga and Qigong classes at Wellspring. I"m also meeting with the surgeon to hopefully get a surgery date. And I go for my physically assessment for the BEAUTY program at the Thrive Lab at U of C. (they will do a 2nd assessment in 2 weeks then give me a personalised work out program for the gym!) 

So I know its going to be a good week. And Saturday is my fundraiser with all my friends and family and support. So if it's strength I need, it's going to be a great event to recharge.

I can't wait.

Official video - Brett Kissel (Albertan!) Tough People Do (YouTube)

Wednesday 10 September 2014

"...something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart: a humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor." - Marianne Willilamson

Sept 8, 2014




September Long weekend we were able to get away camping at Tillebrook before my next - 7th-  round of chemo. We went with Phil's parents and our friends Bobbi & Eric and Liz and Dave. It was exactly what I needed. I love camping with my friends - the kids play all day long and then we chat by the fire after the kids are asleep. Liz and I got to catch up that first night and the next morning which was really great. When you live an hour apart you don't get as much time as you'd like to have those non-interrupted conversations. Bobbi, Liz and I have all met around the same time from our dayhome like 2 years ago and have been close friends ever since. They were angels when I met them, and have been there for me ever since. They are 2 of my closest friends and I am so lucky to have them in my life, and in my corner. I cherish any time we are able to get together. 




There's always lots of laughs and when I'm
with them I'm just me - not canser girl. It's so nice (although they do listen to me vent or rant about whatever chemo/canser related issue may be aggravating me at the moment lol) 



Bobbi and Eric were troopers in a tent! Luckily the weather held so it made for a great weekend. My In laws brought our nephews with them so we had a whole pile of kids that we took to Dinosaur National Park. Although I think the kids were initially disappointed that there weren't any live dino's walking around when we got there ha ha. We also went to the beach at Kinbrook Island so the kids got to play in the sand and water for a few hours while the adults soaked up the early Sept sun. It was a wonderful weekend.


I came back relaxed and trying not to think too much about my upcoming chemo, or the last, traumatic one. 


It was Phil and I's 8th wedding anniversary that Tues. Because my chemo got pushed to the Wednesday (due to stat holiday back up) we planned on going for dinner but forgot to get sitters. Ooops. So we settled for order-in Greek food (by candlelight) after the kids were in bed. It was delicious. With chemo on the horizon and being tired from a weekend camping it was not a late night. We decided we'll just have a make up night out in future when I can enjoy a drink and taste the food lol. 



Chemo the next day was my latest one yet - 3:45PM. Damelys, our dayhome, offered to watch the kids till we were done cause my mom was coming with  us and my inlaws were all busy as well. So in the morning me and the kids went to 2nd Cup to have hot chocolate. Sort of a date I guess ha ha. Then I dropped them off and got prepared for the chemo to come. I wasn't feeling anxious but I was a little worried I'd get anxious when we got there, thinking about last chemo and the whole "code blue" incident. I took all my pre meds - including "my medicine" - and off me, my mom and Phil went. I hoped it would be run of the mill chemo. Esp since my mom was there. I was calm as usual and even the "chemo smell" wasn't bothering me as much (although I still had my container of cut lemons to sniff lol). Maybe chemo is also taking my olfactory sense along with my taste buds lol.

Anyways I let the nurse know about my reaction last time and that I had added Benadryl to my list of pre meds. I was feeling kinda drowsy at this point. She hooked me up for the first 15 minute "test phase" (they drip it slower into you to make sure you don't react) I felt better when she reassured me "ah you'll be fine now! Shouldn't have any more reactions after that last one". She obviously meant what she said cause she left us and just gave me the call bell incase of issues. I chatted with my mom and Phil and Maureen came to visit again as well (Andrea's mother in law). I think she's my good luck charm - all my chemos have been run of the mill except the 2 she couldn't come by for - the last one and the one I got sick at. So I asked her to clear her schedule for my last chemo to ensure she makes an appearance for that one too! (She works in the cardiac department at Foothills Hospital - which is, for those who don't live here - attached to Tom Baker).




The nurse came back after my 1st 15 minutes and turned it up and on for the remaining 45 minutes, which also passed without incident! I was glad - I didn't want any excitement for this chemo! The last one will last me the rest of my life.


On the way home I couldn't keep my eyes open. After 7 rounds of chemo apparently I'm a lightweight when it comes to Benadryl lol. Go figure its the off the shelf meds- that effect me so, and not the bio-hazardous drugs they are injecting me with!!


I wish I could say the next few days were uneventful. Well, I guess I can say they were kinda uneventful. But pretty painful. Although I should clarify the next day - while I was still taking the chemo pre meds - I felt fine. I thought I had made it through round 7 without too much fuss. Silly me. 


Friday I was a bit off and not feeling great but by Saturday I was cranky as all hell. Like it was probably funny in hindsight how incredibly cranky I was. Maybe. Except for maybe Phil who may or may not have gotten snapped at more than a few times. But maybe he can see the humour in it now...kinda like the "Key Incident". Ok, maybe don't mention Saturday to him either...


The Headache had started. And I just felt off. I think honestly it was a combo of 24hrs of pain starting and the steroids which put me in such a foul mood. I actually made a comment to Phil about our dog that was "offside". 


"I always felt sorry for Daisy that dogs have such a short life. Now I wonder if she'll outlive me." He was not too happy with me. I don't blame him. But I really was thinking that. Although maybe I should have kept it to myself. My mom came with me to the mall - it seemed like all of humanity were annyoing me lol My mom just listened to me vent and seemed to understand. I am so lucky to have her as my mother. 


It was Andrea's birthday party that night and I had no idea how I'd fare. We ended up staying till 9:30 but I was feeling pretty rough by then. It was nice seeing everyone though. And I got to hold her sister in law Leah's 7 week old baby boy. I can't tell you how incredibly soothing that was. I almost cried when they first put him in my arms. My life these days - esp chemo week - is many things dark and scary. But this little guy was beautiful. And sweet. And sleeping so peacefully. I think I held him for over 30 minutes. Maybe longer. I could feel the crankiness evaporate. It was really something. I was thinking "Buddy, you and I have the weakest immune systems here. You are safe in my arms cause I will protect both of us from germs". Most kids I'm a little leery of these days since they tend to be little petri dishes. But I was not leery of Kasen - he was in a similar boat as me and it was strangely nice to feel like I wasn't alone. I did not expect that ha. 


By that night the hot flashes felt like they were coming one after the other. When a hot flash starts (for me - side effect from chemo putting my body into menopausal state - ya I know keeps getting better and better eh??) my whole head feels like its got little beads of sweat (it doesn't) and my face and head feel like they've been ignited from the inside. With a blowtorch. Then my torso follows suit. It only lasts a few minutes and during the day they don't bother me so much, but man, having one of those suckers at night is NOT fun! Covers off. Covers on. Covers off. Covers on. So you can imagine how well I sleep these days. With FEC I slept like 10-12 hrs - like a log - on chemo week. Different drug and pre-menopausal state, I know. But I'm almost thinking back wistfully to the nausea days...


And then Sunday hit. Oh Sunday. I woke up just aching. Everywhere. Like mostly my joints...all of them (that's quite the feat!) The Headache was worse. When I stepped out of bed, it hurt to walk. I mean the bottom of my feet hurt when they touched the ground. (Oh and the joints hurt too as I moved.) I think I looked like a 90 year old woman as I hobbled to the bathroom.


I should have known it was gonna be a rough day when I started to cry in the shower. I thought it was just a release from all the crankiness the night before but now I think it was from the constant pain I was in. 


Phil suggested a Costco run to get outta the house and for some retail therapy. Sounded like a good idea. I suggested 2nd Cup stop on the way as a treat. My usual chemo week treat. 


So there we were, driving along the highway, almost at the Okotoks turn off, when I suddenly felt like I was gonna be sick. It was a bit of a surprise feeling - I remember thinking "am I feeling nauseous?? No, I don't get nauseous on docetaxel..." Then I told Phil "I think you have to pull over". To his credit he didn't even blink at this ridiculous request as we were doing 110 km/hr. "Like now?" he asked. "Ya, now would be good".


He came to a stop pretty fast - I opened the van door and sort of stepped down (the side of the road  was inclined downwards) and then fell to my knees. Almost immediately the whole world started to spin. And then a hot flash started. I kinda wondered if I was dying! Or maybe hoped I was. So I stripped off my hoodie and hat. Yes, on the side of a busy highway. Thank God that's all I stripped down to! I literally got on my knees and put my fingers in the grass and held on! Lord knows what passing cars were thinking - I couldn't open my eyes cause I was trying very hard not to be sick and not fall off the world at the same time! Then my actions got stranger still - I laid down! But it felt better at that time. At some point I muttered to Phil to call my mom. He was still in the van with the kids (he couldn't leave them in there on side of highway!) my van door was open and I was on the grass below the open door. Had police been going by I have no idea what Phil would have said. Luckily (or sadly) no one stopped. I have no idea how long I was laying there. Talking was too hard so I just waited till I felt it pass. 


Then I got up - slowly - got in the van and asked Phil to take me home.


My mom met me there and Phil took the kids and went back to Costco so I could rest. I spent the rest of the day on the couch. I wondered later if that was "normal" chemo badness, or "call chemo line" badness. Because the dizziness stayed away I assumed normal. I have to say it scared me pretty good. Anything I tried to do for the rest of the day (which wasn't much) required major effort. I'd say that day rivals the day after my 2nd FEC round when I also spent the day on the couch. (which was when my mom suggested my "other medicine" cause of how much of rough shape I was in). Phil and the kids tried to lift my spirits by bringing me home my favorite bouquet of flowers - red roses. They did help a little.

I sincerely hope to not relive that same experience again. Esp not on the side of a highway lol. It's my 3rd dose of Docetaxel. Like FEC, my side effects are lasting longer and getting worse with each round. 


So you could say I'm a little apprehensive for my next, though final, round. My Fundraiser -These Boobs Were Made For Walking - is the Saturday before my last chemo - perfect timing to get me distracted and pumped for it to be over. 


Cause I am so very ready for chemo to be done. 


7 down guys - 1 to go!!

Monday 8 September 2014

"Don't Let Anyone Ever Dull Your Sparkle" - Unknown

Aug 29, 2014

A while back Kelly and I signed up for a class at Tom Baker called "Look Good Feel Better". We had both heard lots of good stuff about it. It took a while to find a date that worked. I would've loved to have taken the one at Wellspring (they have different sessions of it) but it always seemed to fall on chemo day or a day when I had some appointment. Instead we settled on Aug 28 - the day before me and my family were heading out camping for the long weekend. Not the best timing either but if it wasn't that one, it would have been late into Sept...or never. For alot of the classes offered to canser patients timing isn't really a big deal but this class is different.

It's for women going through canser treatment. Mostly chemo related. They show you tricks on how to apply make up once you experience the side effects of chemo. Like hair loss. Eyebrow & eyelash hair loss. That pale complexion you can get. Dry skin etc. There is also a section on wigs to help you navigate that whole world - real hair vs synthetic and all the different kinds there are (hand tied vs not etc). 

Kelly and I were the youngest in the class, probably by about 10 years at least. Which didn't really matter, except it made some parts funny cause some of the things said made the age difference quiet apparent.

The first lady who spoke went through all the make up which was donated by various cosmetic companies. There was ALOT! Neither of us wear alot of make up so there were quite a number of products we weren't sure about lol. This enlisted the first bunch of giggles. As they walked us through how to apply each of the products, Kelly and I would tentatively apply them, then look at each other and laugh. Part of the laughter was cause we weren't familiar with how much to put on or the technique. Part of it was the colours - ha ha. Each person there had a "Look Good Feel Better" box based solely on skin tone. But for some of the products, like eyeshadows and lipsticks, it was just luck of the draw. And maybe aimed at older ladies...there was lots of bright pink lol. We giggled lots at the colours. 

Once the "make up" lady was done walking around showing us all how to apply all the products another lady got up and was talking about the wig/hair portion. 

She made lots of reference to "times" or "items" before Kelly and I's time that made us giggle. Like "pull out your old slips you put away in a drawer for special nights and put it on your pillow case to help your head when your hair starts to fall out and once its gone/shaved". Great idea...if you ever owned a slip ha ha ha. 

She also made reference to "the wigs you remember your mothers wearing in the 50's & 60's.." Kelly and I were born late 70's, early 80's so this too made us laugh. 

She did have lots of good info, so don't get discouraged if you were thinking of taking this class. But maybe think about taking it at Wellspring if you're under 50...

Overall it was a good night out. Kelly and I got to chat and catch up  (we were cutting each other off in our excitement lol) which was awesome. Cause although we text pretty much daily, that is actually only the 2nd time we have physically met in person since this journey! Which is kinda funny when she has become one of the most important people in my life. We talked about going to the Wig bank (yup, its what it sounds like - you can borrow one free of charge and donate it back once you are done with it) to get a secondary wig that's different than what we already have...We tried on a few that night and had lots more laughs (somehow us youngins were the only ones who tried on the wigs! Guess we were entertainment lol) 

But short and blond was kinda fun and I might be persuaded to try a red wig too...I definitely think a visit to the Wig Bank is in our near future...If not for anything else but the laughs that will surely follow...

Wednesday 3 September 2014

Good News Tuesday

Aug 22, 2014

So the time had finally come to do my "after 6th round of chemo" ultrasound. Knowing I was doing 8 rounds regardless of what the ultrasound showed took off the pressure and expectation of there being no canser left. I still have 2 rounds to go, so I was able to view it more as a "where we're at" picture. Given docetaxel is a different drug and works in a different way than FEC, I wanted to make sure it was still shrinking. Last ultrasound the lump was 1.5 cm (not sure what the other 2 measurements were). You could still feel pea sized lymph nodes. That was right after my 3rd round of chemo. Since then I haven't been able to feel anything in the lymph nodes or my breast so I hoped that meant it was still withering away.


My mom wanted to come with me to my ultrasound. I had told her multiple times it was all good, I could go myself. But she insisted and came to pick me up. It was nice for the company but with my Grandma visiting they had been so busy running all over that I didn't want her to feel she had to come, if she just wanted to sit and have an afternoon off. But she came and I appreciated it. We drove to Southcenter where I had my previous ultrasound as well as my biopsy. The staff are all awesome.


We sat for a few minutes waitinh to be called. I looked at the other women in the waiting room wondering what their stories were. I wish I could've known if any were waiting to get a biopsy done and were scared. Cause only 1 other lady had a friend with her. Everyone else was alone. I hoped if anyone was sitting there scared that I wasn't adding to their fear, being bald and almost eyebrowless - telltale signs of how my mammo and biopsy went.


A kind young woman called my name and off I went.


I followed her in to the back for my usual routine - change into a pink gown and fill out paperwork. I think I can fill out those forms with my eyes shut...A little while later she took me back to the room where I laid down on the bed 'in position' - right arm over my head, gown open on my right side.


I was suddenly nervous. What if it had  grown? Each tech is different, but most of them don't talk through the whole thing. I've now learnt (through experience) some take ALOT of pics, some just a few. It's kind nerve wracking. As she was focusing on a section of my breast that was not where the lump was, I could feel that old anxiety start to kick in. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I tried the technique from the visualisation and relaxation class I took at Wellspring. I couldn't focus properly so I concentrated instead on the music they pipe through the rooms. That helped.


Once she was done, I tried to get an idea from her face if all was well, but she had a pretty good poker face. She told me she'd go show the radiologist (they do this every time). Then like most of them say, she said "the radiologist may come in or he may not". I finished her sentence "Cause they are all different, I know".


It felt like she was gone for a long time. I started to fidget. I started to worry. Then I started making deals with God. "If you let her come in and say "radiologist said images are all good, I'll..."


I asked my friend Stephane if the "tests" get easier - if they ever just become "routine". Sadly he said for him the anxiety is always there till they give the all clear. I wonder if this is part of what makes survivorship so tough - it's hard to put canser behind you when "tests" to see if it has come back become part of your life. And after a canser diagnosis you know tests results don't always come back "all clear". Bad things can happen to good people - not just to "someone else". They can happen to you.


So when the tech came back through the door a (long!!) while later, followed by the radiologist, my heart stopped. My honest first thought was "oh s#$t, what did they find now?". You have to understand - the only time a radiologist ever came in to talk to me was when I had to get my biopsy and look how that turned out...


Maybe God decided to take me up on one of the myriad of deals I offered up cause the Radiologist said "well, looks good!". Then he kept clapping his hands together while making a shrinking noise, all while smiling ear to ear.


"It's working - it's moving in the right direction!". He was so happy he was practically doing a jig in the room! It took me a few minutes to process this info (and get my heart started again...) then I asked "so there's still some left?".


He blinked, like I had taken him by surprise, and said "I'm trying to give you good news!".


I laughed and asked if the lymph  nodes looked more normal and he nodded yes then did another clap and shrinking noise. I thanked him. Lots. I've never met such a lively radiologist! He didn't give me any numbers or measurements (I assume only the docs are supposed to do that) When he left the room the tech looked at me and said "he gives out so much bad news that he likes to personally deliver good news".


When she left I almost cried in relief. And then almost danced my own jig on my way out!


A week later my Oncologist's nurse, Trish, called to check in since I won't be seeing Dr Stewart before my next chemo due to the stat. I told her about my reaction last chemo and she told me to take all the pills plus Benedril (that makes 5 different drugs pre chemo!) They can give me more if need be at my chemo if I still react. She also had the results of my ultrasound. Because I was in the car when she called I had to write it down afterwards so the numbers are jumbled ( I have alot of trouble remembering any new info due to brain fog or chemo brain...I'll post something about that in its own post lol) The lump now measures 3 (or 4) by 4 (or5) by 8 mm! The last ultrasound the measurements were in cm...So it's practically gone but I'm hoping the next 2 rounds obliterate it!! I am so happy we are measuring in mm now!!! I was so caught up in the small size of the lump, that I forgot to ask about the lymph nodes...oops...I'll be sure to ask before my last chemo.


Oh and we finalised the fundraiser date at my local pub Kildares Ale House (in Silverado). So keep Sept 20 open (will start at 4pm). We (Andrea, Erin and I) will only have 200 tickets printed (which is capacity!) and will have a Facebook event for invites (with more details) plus an Evite for those not on Facebook but have email (work peeps - I'll send a group initial email to you and then fwd your work emails to add to Evite if that works). I can tell you there will be a silent auction, 50/50 draw, some trivia to name a few things. Tickets will be $20 and you get a free drink with each ticket (domestic beer or highball) More details to come in next few days (like where funds going etc).  


The fundraiser will take place right before my last chemo, 2 weeks before The Run For The Cure. My friends Bobbi and Harj are doing up a poster with the info so I'll post it in my blog once it's done. So excited!! (and to the rest of my girls - don't worry - we'll be sending you a list of things we need help with lol).


These are the kinds of events that have made a 'chemo summer' not so bad. I've had a few big events to look forward to. Old Macdonalds. Big Valley Jambouree. Now the Fundraiser. Then my 36th birthday and The Run. There will be an 'end of chemo' party in there somewhere, and I hope we can get to West Ed for a weekend, (after chemo but before surgery,) for a 'family canser break'. Its seriously needed.


All these events have helped to make my last few months not just 3 week chunks of time that are always a countdown to chemo. There's been some pretty cool things to look forward to. I definitely think these events helped to keep me (mostly) positive - cause it has been a bit more challenging the longer chemo goes on, to stay positive. Kinda like towards the end of pregnancy when you feel like you're going to be pregnant forever. It feels like chemo will never end.


But only 2 more to go and I couldn't be happier!



From Kris Carr's website