Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso... - tweet by M2CTR

Sept 17, 2015

I knew I was sinking, and did try to improve things. Phil and I decided to throw a ‘post ride’ celebration party. The Ride had made me come alive and I thought that by having a party, it might help things. It did. Temporarily.

It’s very strange to me how you can be so completely deflated and then be instantly 10 feet tall just by the company you keep. Having that party was like sharing a piece of the Ride again. It was a great night with our whole deck packed with teammates, their spouses, and their kids.

We decided then and there that it would be an annual tradition.

Although it didn’t magically make everything ok, I think that party helped to make me look forward to my reconstruction consult that was coming up a few weeks later.

When we initially pushed the consult out to September (from the original July date) I was relieved. I wholeheartedly jumped into the “out of sight out of mind” mentality and thoroughly enjoyed the time I had to not think about another long, scary surgery. I was ok at the time without breasts, and not emotionally ready to think about such heavy decisions, so delaying the appointment was the right choice for me.

By the time September rolled around though, I was in a very different place. I don’t want to say I was obsessed with breasts – because really that sounds creepy – but I was certainly hyper aware of breasts. Like all breasts. Or lack of breasts. For the first time I noticed – really noticed – how many models look like they have no breasts in the clothes they wear. That was oddly comforting (I ignored the fact that they were skin and bones…) But I also noticed how everyone has breasts – even if they are little. And I was envious of them. In my eyes they could wear any shirt and it would look ok because their chest wasn’t concave. Even those with barely an A cup looked healthy and whole to me (ha the person not the breasts…)

I suddenly longed to be whole again.

So the appointment was strangely well timed for where I was emotionally. I was still nervous though. The consult would result in decisions needing to be made, that regardless of which option I chose, would mean another surgery(s), a painful recovery and all the risks that come with surgery…

But my need to feel whole again was greater than my fear of what it would take to get there.

So my mom and Phil, and I walked into the doctor’s office like some movie star and her entourage. (ha even more so given we walked into a plastic surgeon’s office!) They offered us tea or coffee and the waiting area was quite luxurious with stylish black leather sofas that we sat on to wait until we were called in. We didn’t have to wait long. We followed the assistant back and she sat us down in the consult room and asked me a bunch of questions. She told me we needed to go to the room next door and take some pics. Now I know where the “before” pics come from when you see before and after pics…I had to undress to my underwear line and she took different pics from different angles. I wish I could say it was like a model shoot, but if felt more like a mug shot shoot. That is if they took mug shots from your neck to your pelvic bone…I had to let my tummy “hang out” so they could see what they potentially had to work with…it really didn’t do much for my already rock bottom self esteem…

The assistant was so nice though and tried to distract me and agreed that these were not the most flattering for anyone but how it would really help the surgeon.

Then there were more questions (medical history) and she left us to wait for the plastic surgeon, Dr Humphries.

I was nervous. I had heard from one friend who said she had met with him and his bedside manner wasn’t the greatest. Given how “fragile” I was, I was worried I might end up in tears before we even got through the whole thing. Ug.

But I have to say he was really fantastic. Phil and my mom liked him too.

Although when he first walked in I remember thinking “but he’s so young! How can he be good if he’s so young??” Apparently I had forgotten the hero worship of my  “Kinda Handsome Surgeon”, who is also young and also my favourite medical person on my breast canser team.

He asked a few questions basically about my past and then got right to business. I felt fairly comfortable with him right off the bat. A good sign.

He started by saying that breast reconstruction is sort of like how you can look at your canser treatment. You are walking down a road, and you have choices along that road. Different medicines, different treatments that you need to decide on etc. Reconstruction is sort of like that too. First choice as you walk down this road is reconstruction vs no reconstruction. He talked about prosthetics and what he hears from women as the reasons they decide to get reconstruction – the main one being “to feel normal”. I was nodding along like a bobblehead on a bumpy road. I was liking how he approached this whole discussion – it was easy to follow, directly applied to me and he was very knowledgeable. It was also helpful for my Mom I think because he started right from the decision process and moved forward methodically.

He continued by saying the next decision is whether you use a man made product or your own tissue.  Both have pros and cons. He would go through each option and the pros and cons, and then we could discuss what option I was hoping for and if he thought that would be a good fit, given the radiation I had received.

Before I go on, I should quickly explain about radiation. Radiation was used for me to make sure any canser cells that might have been lurking after surgery and chemo were zapped. Once a canser cell is damaged, it cannot repair itself. (so much for canser being all powerful eh…) Aside from the potential blistering, colour changes or other outward damage you can see, radiation can take away the elasticity of the skin. So even if it feels soft and smooth (as mine does), it still loses elasticity – which means it loses its ability to stretch like normal skin. This is pertinent for the first option he got into which was using the man made option( implants.)

He first went into the advantages of implants. First: fairly easy, straight forward operation, little down time (recovery). For people who have had bilateral mastectomy (like me) fairly good chance at getting them symmetrical. Here he added that as much as surgeons might think they are God’s, they are not. God makes breasts, they make something that simulates a breast, and helps you feel “more normal”. His goal is to give you something that when walking down the street, no one would look twice or know that they are not real. Sounds good.

The downside to implants, especially in my case, is with regards to radiation. He explained that with any foreign object, the body creates scar tissue. With some people, that scar tissue can become hard. They don’t know why it happens to some and not others, it just does. For people who have breast augmentation (boob job) their chances are under 5% of this happening. For those who have reconstruction without radiation, it’s about 5%. For those with radiation like me, it’s closer to 50% chance... The problem is that the scar tissue can get so hard that it can make the breast feel hard, as well as change the shape. If it gets hard enough, it can cause pain. It can affect daily life – like sleeping on your stomach could become painful. He told me he has performed this operation in women with radiation and gotten reasonable results. But he has also had patients that ended up losing one or both implants. One patient’s implant opened and was leaking, and had to be removed. Man made options are exactly that - man made, so can fail.

As for the process, you can imagine the doctor  trying to put implants in me right now. Despite people thinking getting implants for reconstruction is the same thing as a boob job, it is NOT at all like a boob job. Women who get boob jobs already have “sacs” to put the implant in. They also have breast tissue. It just augments the size and shape of the breast. In my case, there are no sacs. I have zero breast tissue. It was all cut off remember?

So if I choose implants they would start with an operation to put in an expander. An expander does exactly what it sounds like.  It looks like an implant but is more rigid. It is inserted under my chest wall muscle and is used to stretch the skin (or expand it), in order to create a sac to put the implants in. The operation takes about 2 hours. I may or may not stay the night (2/3 stay, 1/3 of his patients go home same day) .The skin of the expander is made of a thick layer so that when they put a needle into it to fill it with saline, it re-seals itself (pretty cool actually). It also has a metal pin like thing that is a magnet. They use a device not unlike a stud finder (ha I had to bite my tongue on that one) after it’s been inserted into you, to find the spot where they put the needle in when you get “fills”. That by the way is how they stretch your skin – every few weeks you go in for “fills” where you get a needle in the expander (which is also a needle through your skin…) and more saline is added to keep stretching the skin. During the initial operation, he would fill me up as much as he could, but with the radiated skin, it can be tricky to get very much in. Then I would go back every few weeks for the fills.

Once I was at the size I wanted, they would take out the expander and put in the implants. (another operation…) Takes about 1 ½ hours for the 2nd operation. Perhaps this helps to highlight how very different just the process is for implant reconstruction vs boob jobs…And that’s just the process difference, never mind the emotional difference…

Anyways, he explained that during the initial operation (to put in expanders) he would cut out the mastectomy scars. What they do is send the mastectomy scar tissue away to the pathology on the off chance that there are any abnormal cells there. Just a double check because I have heard canser can come back in your scar tissue.  He said in all his years he’s only had 1 patient where it came back that she had had a local recurrence and that was 10 years ago and she was doing fine! I was going to ask about this so I was glad when he brought it up. A friend of mine who had reconstruction had this done by her surgeon, and I wasn’t sure if it was common practice.

I asked how long implants last. He said the manufacturers  show the 10 year fail rate is less than 1% . After that it goes up 1% per year. They use ultrasounds to check to make sure that the shell is still intact etc. But given my age, I was likely going to need new implants at some point in my life. I was very impressed he gave us such detailed info.

I started to wonder if he was going to talk me into implants. Before coming, after doing some reading and talking to people who have had reconstruction, I was leaning towards using my own tissue from my stomach. He made the implants sound so great that I was starting to wonder what he was going to say about the other option…

I relaxed when he said “the other path is using your own tissue, with what is called a TRAM Flap procedure. It’s a good operation”. I can’t tell you how nice it is when you are faced with a big decision, and both are considered “good options”.

The advantage is you’re using your own tissue. Once it’s moved there and alive, you don’t have to do anything else (ie no “upkeep” like fills and checking to see if they are leaking or failing down the line). They also change size with you (if you gain or lose weight). I briefly wondered if Phil would try to sneak high protein powder into my food….

The down side is it’s a big operation. He compared it to front loading your stock (if you’re into investing). You pay everything up front and once it works, you’re all set.

It’s a whole day in the operating room. (minimum 10-12hours but can go longer)

It’s a 5-7 day stay in hospital, on pretty strong IV pain meds. Most people are 6-8 weeks  getting back on their feet, just doing normal day to day life stuff (like walking around, getting out of bed, walking up stairs…sigh). 2-3 months off work but everyone is different (15-16 weeks minimum to start and then see) 6 months to get back to “life”. Yikes.

Then he got into the actual operation, which is called a TRAM. Original way this was done was to take the rectus muscle and move it up to the chest. I found a quick summary of what this entails on the breastcancer.org website:

“TRAM stands for transverse rectus abdominis, a muscle in your lower abdomen between your waist and your pubic bone. A flap of this skin, fat, and all or part of the underlying rectus abdominus (“6-pack”) muscle are used to reconstruct the breast in a TRAM flap procedure.”

The tissue/muscle from your tummy that is moved needs a blood supply so that it doesn’t die. Each muscle (one on left side, one on right side) has a blood supply or vein/artery feeding it.

That brings us to the 2 ways of moving the tissue up to your chest: FREE vs PEDICALED (or attached). I thought I’d also use the definitions from the same site as they are easy to follow (Dr Humphries explained it well but drew it as well so we understood and I don’t think I’d summarise as well as he did):

•  Free TRAM flap: In a free TRAM flap, fat, skin, blood vessels, and muscle are cut from the wall of the lower belly and moved up to your chest to rebuild your breast. Your surgeon carefully reattaches the blood vessels of the flap to blood vessels in your chest using microsurgery. There is also what's called a "muscle-sparing" free TRAM flap. This means that your surgeon tries to use only part of the rectus abdominis muscle for the flap, instead of a large portion of the muscle. Because only a portion of the muscle is used, women may recover more quickly and have a lower risk of losing abdominal muscle strength than if they had the full width of muscle taken.

• Pedicled (or attached) TRAM flap: In a pedicled TRAM flap, fat, skin, blood vessels, and muscle from your lower belly wall are moved under your skin up to your chest to rebuild your breast. The blood vessels (the artery and vein) of the flap are left attached to their original blood supply in your abdomen. (The artery and the vein are the "pedicle.") Pedicled TRAM flaps almost always use a large portion of the rectus abdominis muscle and are known as "muscle-transfer" flaps. Recovering from a pedicled TRAM flap can take longer than recovering from a muscle-sparing free TRAM flap because more muscle is used.

In the pedicled the blood supply is left attached. You basically slide the new tissue under the skin up to the chest. Although the surgery is usually about 7-8 hours, it’s a little more straight forward.

With the Free flap, they cut the blood supply and have to re-attach it to a blood vessel in your chest – this surgery is typically longer than the pedicled because they have to use microsurgery to attach the blood supply.

They both have pros and cons (of course!) When you have a unilateral reconstruction, meaning when you are only reconstructing one breast, they would essentially take the muscle on one side from your belly button out to your hip and move it up. You’d still have the other muscle on the other side. He mentioned that studies show that for women who can do a full on sit up before the surgery, 80% can do a sit up afterwards (once you’ve healed of course) with 1 muscle on the other side. From a structural integrity perspective you still have 1 muscle on your stomach wall giving you strength.

When you have to reconstruct two breasts, and they have to use the muscles on both sides, that number goes down to 5%. So only about 5% of women who could do a full on sit up before, can do one after surgery. So instead of sitting straight up, you strengthen your obliques and kind of roll sideways to sit up.

The advantage to doing a FREE tram (as opposed to pedicled or attached) is they can try to save some of the muscle so it’s not all removed. (pedicled they rotate the full muscle up) The disadvantage is they are cutting a blood vessel that is about 1mm thick, and have to re-attach it to another vessel equally as small (ie micro surgery) Because I would be reconstructing 2 breasts, there would be 2 blood supplies needing to be attached– one on each side. Dr Humphires said they basically use 20 stiches for each side (ie each blood vessel) to attach the blood supply– and that each stitch is smaller than a human hair! This is one of the main reasons the FREE tram surgery can go “long into the night”. The micro surgery is tricky, and they have to make sure they have not clogged or otherwise impeded the blood supply, otherwise the tissue (ie my reconstructed breasts) would die. If the tissue dies, it has to be removed. Removing it means losing the reconstructed breast (or both if the tissue on both sides die) You can only have this surgery once. So if it fails, it’s not an option for “round 2”.

Yikes.

Worldwide, 16% of people will have a problem with that blood vessel clotting. Of the 6% that go back into surgery to get it unclogged so the tissue can get blood supply, 50% of the time the tissue can be saved. In Calgary, the rate of losing the tissue is 1% which is better than world average. He mentioned how 99% success rate is great, if you’re part of the 99%. If you’re the 1%, it’s very difficult.

With the pedicled, the disadvantage is that I would have no structural integrity in my stomach, which could result in higher chance of things like bulges, hernias etc.

As I was absorbing this info, he went on to explain to me how the new tissue is attached. I’ve googled to try to find a bilateral Free Tram reconstruction to show you, but I can only find unilateral (ie single) so imagine this surgery on both sides (this is from Mayo Clinic websit):

He mentioned how we tend to get lighter as we move down from our face all the way down to our tummy’s (ie skin tone) Our faces are redder than our tummies. So the skin they move up to my chest will look like a patch. It will get better with time, but will probably always be lighter.

Then there are the regular surgery risks: the potential need for blood transfusion (rare, but my friend Tammy needed one after her Free Tram reconstruction…) infection (either during surgery itself or afterwards), any accidental damage caused internally (ie if something was accidentally “knicked” like bowel etc). There will also be scars. I will have a scar from hip bone to hip bone. Also around my belly button and around the breasts.

One thing that surprised me is that your belly button is attached from the inside…maybe this is common knowledge to everyone else. He mentioned how they will cut around the belly button, then pull the skin down and make a new hole. So my belly button will be right where it always was.

One really, really great silver lining, aside from coming out with hopefully 2 reconstructed breasts, is the tummy tuck that will go along with the surgery! They are cutting out all that muscle and skin to move up to my chest, so they will have to “pull down” the skin above. Hello bikini’s!!

I also have a birth mark that kinda looks like Asia on my lower left hip that will probably get cutout…but not sure if it will be visible on my breast, or will partially still be down on my hip…I was thinking about this when he then pointed out that in order to reconstruct two breasts, when It came to size, I had to keep in mind each side of the tummy would be one breast.

“You’re not a large lady” he started out with…

“Thank you” I laughed.

I asked like what size…(after my mom mentioned how I was quite busty previously) He said smaller…I said like how small? Like an A? He said ya…

Oh.

Well, small is better than nothing right???

What a strange thing to live your whole life thinking you are “stocky”  only to find out you’re too small…it was a very strange moment.

He then asked if I had any questions…which we didn’t because I think our minds were overloaded with info….

He then said if I was his wife who was 36 years old, he would recommend a Free flap. The reasons being that I’m young, and he can try to save some muscle in the tummy to avoid “structural issues”  like bulges, hernia’s or strains.

I then asked about riding…which he said I shouldn’t have issues. It would be more around strength training that I would notice it. I pressed more specifically that riding shouldn’t be an issue and he confirmed again that it shouldn’t be a problem. (I realise now he didn’t tell me how long till I could ride which is what I think I was trying to get at but my brain was shutting down so I wasn’t being very clear).

Phil then asked if he recommended a Free tram over all the options. He started to answer and I piped in that I was leaning towards a tram anyways because I didn’t want to have to deal with implants in my 50’s or later ( to get them swapped out)…He  said because of the condition of my skin, if I was someone leaning towards implants, he would have no problem doing it. But if I was leaning towards a tram, that yes he recommends a Free tram.

So if we were looking at a free tram, the operation would typically start at 8am, and the earliest I would be out would be 10-12 hours later…Sometimes if they have issues with connecting the blood vessels, it can go long into the night. Because of that, a bilateral free tram requires a team of surgeons. He recommended himself and two to three other surgeons. This is so they can change off because the surgery is so long and they get tired.

Jeeze, I’m getting more and more high maintenance…not only do I have a Kinda Handsome Surgeon I see every 6 months, now I have a whole team of surgeons who will be involved in the construction of the new pair of girls I’ll be getting…If 2 heads are better than 1 then I guess it’s fair that 6 or 8 hands are better than 2??

We ended the conversation with talking about how I wanted to go to BRA day (Breast Reconstruction Awareness day) in October  which is set up to help women know what options are out there for breast reconstruction. Phil and I had gone last year before my mastectomy and were a bit overwhelmed. This year  we just wanted to go, with our parents, to confirm that a Free Tram was indeed the right choice for me.

Dr Humphries said that was a great idea and to just give him a call afterwards and we’d go from there.

It was a lot to digest. I knew a lot of the info from friends, my own reading and BRA day the previous year. But it’s a bit different when it’s your own surgery.

It wasn’t going to be easy. 12 plus hours is a looooong time to be in surgery….and never mind the recovery….But we’d just take it like everything else – one day at a time.

As for that night, I had a date with 8 or 9 of my girlfriends and half price bottles of wine at Kildares. I don’t think I could have timed that any better if I tried…

Photo bomb...we dont know that guy

Although I think the poor bartender and all the patrons are probably still recovering from our wine loving table….

Take a Chance on Me by Abba:

"Deep inside me the loneliness bird laid a large stone egg" - from book Power Of One by Bryce Courtney

Aug 25, 2015

Weddings are interesting. Some people plan for a year or more, and everything leading up to that day is about the wedding. It’s this huge focus that feels like it will never arrive. Then the wedding happens, and if you are lucky (as I was) it is everything you hoped for and more. And then this strange thing happens afterwards. It’s like a huge comedown from being so high. Almost like a mini depression.

That’s kinda what the week following the ride was like for me. I walked into work still on a high. A number of my co-workers asked me about the Ride and congratulated me. Over the next few days though, the comedown set in.

The thing is, at the Ride I was an equal. I was not ‘canser girl’. I was not thought of as different. I certainly didn’t feel different. I was a rider first and foremost. I had to earn my spot by fundraising at least $2500 – there are no discounts just because you had canser. And then I had to cycle the whole 236k to cross the finish. So did everyone else there – regardless of their canser status. My yellow flag was not there to differentiate me from the other riders – it was there to celebrate a small victory over a disease that kills. When people looked at me, I felt like they saw my team colours first, not the fact that I had no breasts. I was surrounded by people who had either been affected directly or indirectly by this disease, or at the very least wanted to make an impact for those affected by the disease. I was completely comfortable in my own skin.

A work environment is not the same. I mentioned when I first started back to work how it was nice because nothing at work had anything to do with canser. I could go in and just be a normal, working person. But my insecurities that started before the Ride came back full force after The Ride. It felt like the difference between me and my co-workers was magnified now. Whereas I felt like I was on equal footing with my teammates, I did not feel like an equal with my co-workers. I felt less than. Different. My chemo brain made me feel sluggish when trying to problem solve. Although I was not ready to be back full time, my graduated schedule made me feel like it was one more thing that made me different from my co-workers.  Plus all my doctor’s appointments – which made me wonder if that made me appear sickly. And of course the fact that I looked so very different than when I left. Suddenly all I could see when I looked in the mirror at work was my lack of breasts and tight, curly (some days unmanageable) hair. A woman who didn’t really look like a woman. A freak.

It was awful. And lonely.

My refuge continued to be camping, and my riding. We started doing Thursday night team rides out of Silverado, as well as continuing with the Tuesday night team rides. For the few hours while I was on my bike, I was just a member of the team. For the few days we were out camping, I was just another camper.

As the month continued, and my hours increased I found I was always more tired the first week the hours increased, and would adjust by the 2nd week. Only to be tired the following week when they increased again. It was normal as my body and my mind adjusted, but didn’t help the way I was feeling.

After completing the most challenging physical feat I have ever attempted, all I could see were my failures everywhere else. The sad thing is, I don’t even think what I saw as “failures” were actual failures. They were adjustments. But I just couldn’t see it that way, and they continued to snowball. I was so overwhelmed that I pulled back from friends. And family. And my wonderful canser support. I felt like my life was spiralling out of control. It was a year and half past diagnosis – I should be able to stand on my own two feet. I wasn’t even full time yet at work for God’s sake. I felt like I should now be giving back. That the time for me needing support was done. And those feelings paralysed me more.

In the sea of expectations I had of myself, I was drowning.

My counterpart Ty at work gently reminded me that it would take time to get back into the swing of things . My manager (and friend) Melissa told me not to push it too hard and just take it one day at a time. Her boss Brian was also very supportive and checked in every now and again with me to see how things were going.

So the only pressure being applied was from myself. Which in hindsight is like a huge light bulb. But at the time, I was relentless in my criticism of myself.

It’s only now that I see I was suffering, but was so blinded by my insecurities, I didn’t realise it. Instead of trying to take on more, I should have given myself a break, and taken stuff off my plate instead of berating myself when I just couldn’t add anymore. It was like a switch went off once I was back at work – like my brain tried to wipe out all I had been through and that I should suddenly be able to handle every single thing thrown my way – and then some.

For the first time in a long time, I felt terribly alone.

Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

The Ride To Conquer cancer Part 3: “I might only have 1 match, but I can make an explosion…” (Fight Song – Rachel Platten)

Aug 8, 2015

We were a bit worried the night before that we might sleep in because we only had our phones as alarms – and weren’t sure if the battery would be ok overnight. We needn’t have worried – as camp started to wake up, there was no way anyone could sleep in ha. We woke up and as soon as I was coherent enough to form a thought, I could feel the excitement start building. Today was the final day!! I said a little prayer that I could stand up after the previous day’s 113k ride…and we threw on clothes and quickly headed out to eat then come back to pack. The breakfast area was buzzing with people waking up and chatting about the day to come. I wasn’t as nervous about starting – I was actually itching to go – but I did briefly wonder “what if I can’t finish?”. The thought left as quick as it came. It was just impossible to have lingering doubt that morning surrounded by my teammates. And Phil.

They had gotten me this far, they’d get me the rest of the way.

Nigel got a team pic at the start line and off we went! it was 7:30am and I was pretty wide awake considering! About a kilometer or so in, you start to go up a huge hill out of Okotoks…we joked maybe that’s their way of making sure everyone is awake!

 That first stretch to the rest stop seemed to take forever! I was so relieved when we got to Black Diamond…only to discover the rest stop wasn’t there!! It was at Turner Valley! I knew from the reverse route that it was only 3k away – but that 3k suddenly felt like 30. A few teammates had mentioned how the first part of the day goes by fast and the very last stretch because you know you are coming to the finish line but that the middle was tough…So I was a bit worried that I found the ride to the first pit stop so long…but was instantly reassured when we met up with other One Aimers at the rest stop who felt the same! We ran into Keri and Cam who were riding together again that day and we all decided to ride together for the day. Cam is another One Aimer who can do no wrong in my books. When I first saw One Aim all that time ago at The Mall, and they reached out to me after via my blog, Cam signed up for my Run For The Cure team. He hadn’t even met me, yet he signed up to run on my team! I got to know him and his awesome wife Keri a little over the summer when I would meet up after the odd Tues night team rides to have a beer (in all my bald glory). When the time came for The Run, Cam ran with me the whole 5k – which took me over 45min to complete. He could run a 5k in his sleep… It was like Matt’s action of putting my name on his flag – he was instantly raised to hero status in my eyes. So the fact that we were now going to ride the rest of the final day of my very first Ride to Conquer -  together - was immensely special to me. Especially since this was their 5th year – the year they got their Golden helmets. On your 5th Ride To Conquer Ride you get a Golden Bike Helmet to commemorate your 5th year. So if you’re ever watching and see people with Gold bike helmets, you know they have done at least 5 Ride To Conquers!

When I was training, I had felt the benefit of “drafting”, where you ride about a tire length behind the person ahead of you. It makes them work harder, and makes it much easier for you to recover and catch your breath, even though you are still pedaling. Phil has let me draft him a time or two, but we are still learning how to do it properly, so you get the full benefit. As we left Turner Valley onto the next rest stop (which was near Millarville) we were hitting that long stretch of road that, the previous day, felt like was never ending. The good thing was this time it was a gradual decline, so it was a much easier go.  Cam and Keri are good at drafting – so they took us under their wing, and off we went. There were some long stretches where we were just flying! It was amazing! I was getting a bit tired, but as long as I stayed “on” the wheel in front of me, I could keep up no problem. Cam was at the front for the most part, and working the hardest. A few times I “fell off” the wheel ahead and noticed that it significantly decreased my speed and significantly increased how hard I had to work. For me drafting was not about speeding through the Ride (you’re not actually supposed to draft – but I think that’s because when you get a lot of people drafting who are going crazy fast it just can get less safe if they are not careful with that amount of other riders on the road) I’m not sure how I would have made it through day 2 without drafting, just so I could catch my breath. It was about recovery for me, not speed.

By the time we hit the 2nd rest stop, it was starting to get hot again. The day before I had forgot to put sunscreen on my legs…and got a terrible looking riders burn!! The burn lines…uh tan lines, were awful (though admittedly funny), and my lower thighs were hot to the touch all night long and blazing red. So I was making sure I slathered sunscreen on at each rest stop – all over any exposed skin. Rookie mistake I guess! After grabbing a quick bite and some water, we were off once again. This next stretch would take us just past Priddis to the Lunch stop…We all left together, but as we neared Priddis I found myself on my own (I was getting tired by this point) Phil and I got separated when he stopped to help Keri with her lost waterbottle. Phil thought I was ahead of him, when in fact I was just behind so he raced to the Lunch stop so we could ride in together…as I was nearing the Priddis downhill, I was trying to catch up to Phil and the gang. There was a rider behind me, who kept getting pretty close, so I was pushing myself to keep ahead and not get in their way . I finally moved over so they could pass me, but she followed behind me…as we were about to go down the hill she called out “I’m just trying to read your sign”. Oh! As we got to the bottom of the hill, she came up beside me and said “I just read your sign. You are an inspiration!” and took off.

I cried all the way to the lunch stop.

When I got to the lunch stop I had just gotten my tears under control. I was hot and hungry, and emotional likely because I was so tired. I also knew the hardest part of The Ride was coming up. I looked down to see where to put my bike, and saw Emily. I wasn’t expecting to see her.

I burst into fresh tears (ya, I must have been really tired….)

I tried so hard to stop them because I didn’t want Emily to be upset or confused as to why I was crying. But I couldn’t. The just kept spilling over. So I just hugged her tight, and  kept repeating to her “they’re just happy tears Emmy, Mommy is so happy you are here…they are just happy tears,  don’t worry, Mommy’s fine, I’m just so happy to see you”. She just smiled, hugged me back just as tight, and said “I know Mommy”. And patted my back.  Which naturally produced more tears lol

Quite a lot of the One Aimers were at lunch that day, as were Phil’s parents. We chatted as we ate and tried to stay out of the sun to cool off. I was mentally preparing myself for the next most challenging part. It had the “Bragg Creek Hill” which is a monster of a hill. I heard stories how last year some people got sick at the top! Yikes!! Drafting would not help me here – hills are kinda “everyone for themselves” because everyone goes at their own pace on hills – especially challenging ones – otherwise you might not make it up. Most of the hills on The Ride I met up with Phil at the top, as he is a stronger rider and could get up faster. I have to say, having Emmy show up with Phil’s parents was a huge boost.

I decided this next stretch would be dedicated to Opa and Ray. I would need to dig deep to get through this next part, and they would be the ones to get me through it.

When I was going through treatment, specifically chemo, I got through it because really, what choice did I have? It was either do chemo, or die. It was horrific but at the time I did what I had to do. But it was one of the hardest summers of my life. For me, and for my family.

When I started to get active while going through chemo, I would dig deep by thinking about how awful chemo was. I’d try to remember the fear every time they put a needle in me and turned on the chemo. I’d force myself to think about how awful I’d feel in the days after. How it was nothing compared to what I was feeling at that moment running, or working out or holding that tricky yoga pose. I’d think of a beach from the  Greek Island from our honeymoon and breath through it, knowing the uncomfortable feeling would end soon and I’d feel great afterwards. That I was choosing to put my body through these aches and pains, whereas for chemo it was not a choice. I’d pep talk myself into visualizing tiny canser cells exploding with each step, each bead of sweat…And man it worked wonders!

But while on the most challenging leg of The Ride, although I started with that mental place, it wasn’t enough. So my thoughts moved to much more powerful motivators.

Opa and Ray.

I thought about Ray sitting in one of the 3 chemo rooms, having drugs pumped into him that would potentially land him in hospital, as they had numerous times throughout his treatment. I thought about him sitting in that blue or green chemo chair, looking out the window at the Tom Baker and likely wishing he were anywhere else but there. Especially since his treatments usually took most of the day to complete. I took that sadness and pain I felt thinking about Ray and turned it into anger, and ultimately energy to keep me going.  I thought about Opa – sweet, sweet Opa - and how he shaved his head so I wouldn’t feel alone when I had to shave mine, even while he was going through his own chemo treatment at the time. I thought about how he must be feeling after making the decision to forgo a more brutal chemo regime because it wasn’t guaranteed to work, and if it did work, wouldn’t be life saving, just life extending but would likely drastically reduce his quality of life. The chemo that was his last option for his worsening prostate canser. I thought about the physical pain he likely faced every day since the canser moved to his bones. Pain he had no choice over and only drugs to help with. My discomfort on the hill was nothing compared to that. Nothing. It truly made me “suck it up”.

I looked only a foot ahead of me and with each pedal stroke, it was Opa. Ray. Opa. Ray. They were my mantra, and before I knew it, I was at the top, and over the (arguably) hardest hill of The Ride! I had a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and I sent a silent “Thank You” to both Ray and Opa for helping me.

It was also pretty wonderful to be greeted by a dancing Lisa at the top. She was hopping around and cheering all those coming up the hill. Lisa is Martin’s wife, and also a One Aimer who couldn’t participate in this year’s Ride due to surgery. Martin is a One Aimer who organized and put on CANSuffer, as a Ride To Conquer Fundraiser, and who also holds a special place in my heart. Because of his fundraiser, One Aim came into my life. Martin was one of the people who directly reached out to me via my blog at the time. Martin is also a VERY strong rider. He races and has taken part in some of the hardest races in the world. I have to admit, I was a bit intimidated to think of riding with him since he is a whole other class of rider. But he is so incredibly encouraging, and has a heart of gold – I would gladly ride with him anytime (even if he only ever sees “slight inclines” when everyone else sees monster hills ha….). So does Lisa. They are a wonderful couple, and awesome people. They also have the smallest dog in the world…but I digress….

I was much slower all the way to the last pit stop in Bragg Creek. Keri and I pretty much stuck together, and Phil and Cam were ahead of us. There might have been some (or a lot..) of swearing up some of the smaller hills lol  But we made it to Bragg Creek and grabbed quick Gatorade and then had to jet right away because they were opening the road to the motorists, so those who didn’t leave before that had to wait another 20-25 minutes or so…By this time one of Cam’s legs was cramping up pretty bad. We stopped so he could stretch it along the highway leading out of Bragg Creek. He had also grabbed some drugs at the last rest stop. But nothing was working. I was worried he wouldn’t be able to finish. The last leg is mostly all uphill once you turn onto Springbank road all the way to Canada Olympic Park. It’s also over 30k. I asked Cam if he wanted to flag down a vehicle, but he was adamant about continuing. So he started to peddle – with one leg! If I was looking for motivation to keep going, that was it. If Cam was going to attempt it one legged, I sure as hell could finish with two! And if you can believe it, he was still a stronger rider with 1 leg than we were with two!! It really was inspirational to watch him. He never complained. Never asked to stop. He stopped when I needed water, but that was about it.

When we hit the last quasi water stop (was literally just some water jugs on side of road lol) and turned onto Springbank road, we were pedaling along – Cam still hanging on with one leg – when a team of “pro” riders who were riding in a group asked Daryl the medic and fellow One Aim teammate what was going on with Cam. Daryl filled him in: His leg is cramping up , but he doesn’t want to get in a vehicle. He’s determined to finish – even on  one leg”. The rider pointed at Cam and said “that is courage right there”, rode up to Cam, put his hand on Cam’s back, and pushed him all the way up the last remaining hills, till they got to the bottom of the last hill up to COP. The road to the Finish Line. Cam waited for us to catch up (ha! That’s how fast they were going – Cam had to wait for us!)

I have to say that was one of the most memorable parts of the ride for me. It exemplified what the ride was all about. From Cam’s spirit to the other riders’ selfless act of helping a fellow teammate (no he wasn’t a One Aimer but really everyone in the Ride was on one team – Team FUcanser…)

As we neared the spot Cam was waiting for us, we rounded up Elaine and John, Jennie and Dan, Diane, and Brian, and decided to all ride in together. We grabbed Cam and off we went, tackling the last kilometer or so to get us to the Finish (which was natually all uphill lol). I thought about those who had come out to cheer us on at some point during the 2 days – some with signs!– My parents, my kids, Phil’s parents, our friends Tammy, Dave, & Marv. I thought about those names on my flag – their faces, their stories. And I thought about where I was last year and how far Phil and I had come, despite all we had been through. I thought about my teammates who were behind me,  beside me, and those who were waiting ahead of me, at the Finish line.

And then we rounded a corner, and as we were coming down the hill, I could see the Finish Line and the hoards of people cheering!! We made it! 236 kilometers later, we crossed the finish line, with fists pumping in the air and huge smiles across our faces! It truly was an EPIC moment! The adrenaline was pumping and as soon as we stopped, the tears started. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Kinda like the start all over again, but 100x more.

There were hugs all around. Phil first, obviously, then those we had crossed with and those waiting for us. Then Nigel came over and gave me a huge hug, which I am so happy to say The Calgary Sun caught on camera. I think that picture speaks volumes of the moment. I was crying and I think even Nigel was teared up. It was a very emotional moment. Then I saw Dennis and got a big hug from him too. Dennis is a One Aimer who after hearing about the Mall incident, ran Joe’s Triathalon in my name the summer I was going through treatment. It was the first event I went to to cheer on One Aim and I was touched beyond words that he would do that before he even met me. Then, like Cam, he signed up and ran alongside me at The Run that fall. Another hero in my eyes with a permanent place in my heart.

After Crossing the finish line and hugging my teammates immediately afterwards is something I will never forget. My heart felt like it was going to burst from the happiness and team pride I felt.

When we signed up in October, I had finished chemo but still had surgery and radiation to do. I hardly had any hair and didn’t know how effective the chemo had been. I was terrified of surgery and worried about getting radiation. But we decided we were going to do The 2015 Ride To Conquer no matter what – which is why we signed up before I was done treatment (another silent finger to canser) - and we did it! All our family and friends and coworkers and even strangers who pledged money allowed us to take part in one of the most memorable weekends of our lives. The 2015 Alberta Ride To Conquer raised over 7 milion dollars. Those pledges raised money mostly for research so we can find better ways at fighting canser. So we can have more yellow flags and no riderless bikes. Our training and dedication got us to the start line, but our teammates helped us cross the finish.

I looked up to the sky and thought of my Dad and hoped I did him proud. And hoped he knew that he was not forgotten, and would continue to  be close to my heart every time I got on my bike.

I will never forget my first Ride to Conquer.

And in all our delirium, Phil and I walked (limped?) over to the Sign Up table and signed up for the 2016 Ride…but after that weekend, how could we not??

If you have a few minutes, I put together the below slideshow because there were so many pics from training and The Ride to include in my blog! It doesn't work on mobile phones for some reason, but will work on a computer.

The Ride To Conquer cancer: If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you - Part 2 (of 3!)

Aug 7, 2015

I’m surprised I didn’t swallow any bugs with the huge open mouthed smile that was plastered on my face. We were really doing it!! The team had told us about the surge of adrenaline that you get at the start of the Ride and to just watch your pace because you don’t want to tire out shortly after you’re out of the gate…I think my surge of adrenaline lasted all the way to the first pit stop lol. We had stopped to help Reece who got a flat tire 6k into the ride – but he and Phil told me to go ahead and they’d catch up..they are both much stronger riders than I so I carried on because I figured I’d just slow them down once they were playing catch up. I waited for them at the first pit stop, which was just over 15K into the Ride.

I almost cried again as I pulled into the first rest stop. There were all these people cheering and whistling and holding signs along the path into the stop. Some were volunteers who were dressed up in all kinds of crazy garb, some were just regular people out cheering on the riders, holding signs for “their person”! I saw my teammate Keri and we chatted excitedly (well maybe it was me doing the excited chatting lol) and used the port a potty’s and grabbed some Gatorade and snacks. A number of our teammates told us they stop at all the pit stops – even if it was only 5 minutes - and grab either something to drink or eat. So we decided we were going to do that too. Since being diagnosed I’ve been uber aware of my sugar intake. Normally I wouldn’t drink even the little cups they had of Gatorade – but knowing all the energy I’d be using, I had a small cup of Gatorade at each stop. I also filled up my water bottle with the nice cold water they had there. It’s incredibly well set up. You are supported the whole way – there are support vehicles you can flag down and there’s “sweep vehicles” that pick up any stragglers and bring them to the next pit stop after a certain time. You are never truly alone.

As I was waiting for Phil and Reece, I was asked if I could be filmed by the Ride To Conquer crew being asked some questions about the Ride. They asked why I was riding and how I was finding the Ride so far. It’s funny because I can string words together when I write my blog, but being put on the spot I answered their questions but later thought “why did I say that and why didn’t I say this??” The rest of my teammates had carried on and I was still waiting for Phil and Reece. I started to wonder if maybe they had stopped in and we had missed each other?? I texted Phil telling him I was still at the rest stop and hoped they were just running behind and not that they had already left…There were less and less people stopping and there were only a handful of people still at the rest stop when Phil finally showed up! I was so relieved!!

The thing about the longer rides is it becomes a mental thing. I’m good until about 60k…then I start getting tired, emotional and doubt my ability. Phil is my champion. He soothes and pushes and encourages me, long past the point when I’d normally stop. He has become a strong rider but I never feel intimidated when we ride together – I feel supported. I’ll go on a challenging ride with him – or even suggest a challenging route - without even thinking about it – whereas with anyone else I’d be worried about slowing them down or not being able to keep up. I know that as long as Phil is there, we’ll finish whatever we set out to do.  Even just riding separate those few km I didn’t like it. We set out on this canser path together, and trained together and now I wanted to ride it, and finish it as we started - together. I decided then and there if he had to stop again, I would stop with him.

So my face probably lit up when I saw him pulling into the stop.  We could see the sweep vehicle coming, and hopped on our bikes after Phil hit the bathroom and pedalled off, determined to catch up with the tail end of our teammates.

The route was gorgeous. It was just us, the road and the big Alberta sky. Open land all around us, with the mountains in the distance. Talk about amazing. It had started to warm up a bit too. The next stop was just past Bragg Creek so we had quite a ways to go…

That’s when it started to happen. A few riders as they passed us or as we passed them shouted out “keep it up Cindy!” or “Good Job Cindy!”. I turned thinking it was One Aimers. It wasn’t. My immediate thought was “oh man I wish I was better at remembering names” although they did not look familiar. Every rider has a “license plate” on the back of their bike which has their name. After a few more times of it happening, I realised people were calling out my name from reading it on my plate…It took a few more to realise it was because of my yellow flag.

My eyes teared up at this realisation. And it gave a little extra motivation to get up those hills.

Phil started to mimic those other riders, encouraging other survivors as we passed them. But then he also encouraged those who were having a rough go getting up hills, or looked really tired. I never said anything to him, but it made me smile every time.

I think the Ride brings out the best in people.

As we rode the long road (highway) into Bragg Creek, the cars were backed up because they had shut down part of the road where the cyclists were crossing the road to go up the hill to the next pit stop. I wondered briefly if the motorists were annoyed. And then I heard people cheering out of their windows. And whistling. And clapping. I started grinning more. Then we got to Bragg Creek town where there was a cheering section set up – tons of supporters with signs and balloons and kids…I was getting a bit emotional seeing them and knowing we were oh so close to the next pit stop. They cheered loudly as we passed them, even though we didn’t know any of the people cheering. My grin got bigger.

Those cheering sections are awesome. They are placed in the perfect spots to give you that boost to just make it that little bit further. That one was at the bottom of a hill so I got a little burst of energy going up the hill. I knew we were getting close to the next stop so I put my head down and just concentrated on getting up the hill.

And then I could see all the crazy coloured volunteers up a ways – waving flags and cheering, which told us we were at the next pit stop! We rode in and saw One Aim bikes so we put ours with the rest and went off in search of food, drink and our comrades. We ran into Elaine and Jennie who are both survivors. Elaine is a 30 plus year survivor, a huge inspiration to me and she is the one who put her arm around me last year when I balled through the Opening ceremonies. Jennie is a 4 plus years breast canser survivor, who carries a BRCA mutation. She was diagnosed when her 3 kids were little(r)  and she had to go through reconstruction and all that fun stuff…she is an amazing, kind woman close in age to myself, who has shared her story with me and offered to answer any questions I might have that she might be able to answer as I go down a similar path as she did. Her boyfriend Dan is incredibly supportive and just as wonderful – we get along so well with them. They were doing the Ride together this year.

After getting delayed, I was so happy to run into them!! We thought maybe we would be so far behind that we had missed everyone, so were glad we caught up to some teammates. It’s really  hard to judge where you are in relation to everyone else because everyone rides at their own pace and there is a pretty big span between the first riders and the last.

Then we were off. We rode a good part of the next bit off and on with Jennie and Dan. We had a good bit of straight road with a slight incline, then down the huge hill that would be one of the most challenging to go back up the next day.

As we were riding along a straight stretch, we passed by a bald woman sitting by the road at the end of a driveway, obviously in treatment, with a Thank You sign. I don’t know if I was getting tired, or the heat was getting to me, but I got an immediate lump in my throat and a few tears spilled out. It immediately brought me back to why we were doing what we were doing. This ride wasn’t just about my story. It was also about the many, many others coming up behind me, going through the same, if not worse, hell that I had been through.

We had some challenging hills on our way to the lunch spot (near Millarville) I made it up every single one – some in my last gear, pedalling slower than a 90 year old with a walker…but I made it up and didn’t have to get off my bike. That was kind of my own personal goal for this ride…it didn’t matter how long it took to complete, but I wanted to not only complete the ride, but complete it on my bike. I didn’t want to get off and walk, or get into a support vehicle. So many things can happen when you’re out on the road, so although it was a reasonable goal, it was by no means guaranteed. But I needed something to aim for, aside from the finish line. So that was it. I think the handful of Skittles I ate prior to each hill helped ha.

By the time we got to the lunch stop, it was HOT. The sun was beating down and there were hardly any clouds in the sky. It was a beautiful, hot Aug day. We found some teammates, some food and some shade. As we ate all I could think was we were half way done day 1 – give or take a few km…images of ice cold beer started to float about in my head as I thought about arriving into Camp…

We felt pretty good leaving lunch. We were riding from just near Millarville to Black Diamond...We had driven most of it when we camped a few weeks ago at Sandy McNabb so I kinda had an idea what was coming up, but on a bike is very different than behind the wheel of a vehicle….

It kinda looks flatish when you’re driving. I can tell you – it’s NOT! It’s a long, gradual incline, with a couple of dips down…I have to say I found it pretty challenging. We were hitting that 60k plus mark so in hindsight I should have known the ride would start to get challenging from an energy perspective for me, but it still surprised me. I think mostly because there weren’t any huge hills. It just seemed to go on. And on. And on….It felt like a never-ending road..with each bend I kept hoping to see the sign for Turner Valley…but around each bend was just more road!

As the heat and the tiredness got to me I found myself getting emotional. I thought about Sarah who would give anything to feel the tiredness and heat I was feeling at that moment if it meant being alive. I thought about Opa who had created a bucket list because his prostate cancer had stopped responding to treatment and progressed to his bones. I thought about Ray who did not get the news he was hoping when he finished treatment and went back for scan results a few months later. The cancer was still there, so he was going through more chemo, which was brutal on his body. Along with those thoughts, every now and again my flag would flap in the wind – like an auditory reminder that I wasn’t alone and found the drive to keep me going. I also had my cheerleader, Phil who could probably see I was slower than usual. Finally, we saw the “Black Diamond 3k” sign and it suddenly seemed like nothing! We knew it would be mostly downhill. I was so very happy to arrive at that rest stop!! And guess who we ran into – none other than Nigel! Talk about a boost when you need  it! He had already arrived at camp (he and Mike and a few of them were actually the very FIRST riders to arrive at camp – a personal goal for some of them!) and been back and forth a few times already…he confirmed the beer was cold and waiting for us!

That was all it took – we took a pic in front of the Black Diamond and off we went on the final leg of Day 1! It was mostly uphill but knowing we were so close we just once again put our heads down and pedalled. As we rode into Okotoks, my heart was filled with so much happiness and pride…it was a tough ride, we were hot, tired and thirsty, but man what a day!! And we were almost at Camp!!! Suddenly it felt like the day had flown by. As we got closer, you could see more and more volunteers and groups of cheering people! We had quite the welcome as we rode the last leg and crossed Welcome to Camp banner that signalled the end of day 1! We did it!!

One day down…time to celebrate and then get up and do it all over again tomorrow!! Ha.

But for now all I could think was “let’s get our bikes locked up and go sit out of the sun and have a nice cold beer”.

They were serving Steam Whistle, which was one of the sponsors, and boy I swear that was the best can of beer I ever had lol It was cold and wet and tasted like victory. My mom called and showed up with Ethan and my Dad and my Grandma. I was so happy to see them. After my family left we showered and then partied with the team until we figured we should hit the sack….in our tents!

As we laid our heads down, I felt like a little kid who has just had the best day ever. It was one of the rare days (a whole day!!) since being diagnosed where I was completely content. All felt right in my world. My biggest worry was if my legs would last the next day to get me to the finish line. I wasn’t worried about getting sick again. Or losing anymore friends. Or dying.

It was a wonderful gift.

I drifted off to sleep with a tummy full of beer, a heart full of love, a worry free mind and a smile on my face.